Ahoy, matey! Let’s talk about funny pirate sayings, because if you’re not throwing around an “Arrr” or a “Ye scurvy dog” on Talk Like a Pirate Day, are you even doing it right? Pirates had a way with words—mostly loud, slightly aggressive, and fueled by questionable amounts of rum. But let’s be real, half the fun is sounding like a sea-crazed lunatic while confusing everyone around you.
Anyway, buckle up (or, uh, tighten that belt made of rope), because I’m about to throw some of the best pirate phrases your way. Use them wisely—or risk walking the plank.
Why Do Pirates Even Talk Like This?
Quick history lesson. Ever notice how all pirates seem to have the same dramatic accent? Blame actor Robert Newton. Back in 1950, he played Long John Silver in Treasure Island and decided to crank up his West Country English drawl to 11. It stuck. Fast forward to today, and now every wannabe buccaneer sounds like they just stumbled out of a Bristol tavern after one too many tankards of ale.
Not historically accurate? Probably not. But is it fun? Hell yeah.
Classic Funny Pirate Sayings
1. “Arrr, ye scallywag! I’d make ye walk the plank, but we’re fresh outta sharks today!”
A solid threat, but with a built-in excuse. Great for when you’re trying to sound intimidating but don’t actually want to do any work.
2. “Aye, the sea be salty… but not as salty as me ex-matey after I took the last rum ration!”
Petty pirate drama. We love to see it.
3. “Dead men tell no tales… but they sure do make lousy dinner guests!”
Dark humor, pirate-style. Best delivered with a suspicious chuckle.
4. “Shiver me timbers! That be the worst joke I’ve heard since a parrot tried stand-up comedy!”
Useful whenever someone tells a truly tragic dad joke. (Or any joke my uncle tries at Thanksgiving.)
5. “I’d swab the deck, but me back’s as bent as a ship caught in a storm!”
A pirate’s way of saying “not today, Satan.”
Pirate Insults That’ll Have You (or Someone Else) Laughing
Pirates didn’t hold back, and honestly? Their insults were top-tier. Feel free to use these in everyday life. (Disclaimer: I am not responsible for any plank-related consequences.)
6. “Ye be uglier than a barnacle-covered sea monster after a bad night’s sleep!”
This one stings. Mostly because I’ve had mornings where I felt like that sea monster.
7. “Yer about as useful as a peg-leg in a tap-dancing contest!”
Brutal. Effective. Perfect for calling out useless crew members—or coworkers.
8. “I’ve seen jellyfish with more backbone than ye!”
Throw this at anyone who refuses to make decisions. Or who panics over ordering at a drive-thru.
9. “Yer breath be smellin’ worse than a kraken’s armpit!”
A polite way to suggest someone invest in a mint.
10. “If brains were doubloons, ye wouldn’t have enough to buy a wooden spoon!”
Translation: You’re not exactly the sharpest cutlass on the ship, buddy.
Pirate Sayings About Treasure and Gold
Because what’s a pirate without treasure? (Answer: Just a very aggressive beach bum.)
11. “Aye, money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy rum, which be close enough!”
Financial wisdom, pirate-style. Dave Ramsey could never.
12. “X marks the spot… unless the map be upside down, then we’re in real trouble!”
Fun fact: I once followed a GPS for 45 minutes in the wrong direction. So yeah, I feel this one deeply.
13. “If ye spend all yer gold in one place, make sure it be a rum tavern!”
Investment advice, straight from the high seas.
14. “What do ye mean the treasure be cursed? That just means it’s got extra character!”
This is the kind of optimism I aspire to have.
15. “I keep all me riches buried… mostly because me pirate bank charges too many fees!”
Honestly? I’d do this too if I didn’t lose everything I bury in the backyard.
Pirate Sayings About Sailing and Ships
Because let’s face it—pirates spent a lot of time on boats. And complaining about boats.
16. “A smooth sea never made a skilled pirate!”
Inspirational? Yes. Annoying when your ship is literally sinking? Also yes.
17. “Ye can’t sail with a crew full of landlubbers!”
A pirate’s way of saying “pick better teammates.”
18. “The ship’s wheel be cursed! Or maybe I just had too much rum…”
Honestly, same energy as me blaming my WiFi when I actually just forgot to pay the bill.
19. “We’d be goin’ faster if half the crew weren’t nappin’ in the cargo hold!”
A solid complaint for any workplace. Or road trip.
20. “If the ship goes down, I’m blamin’ the cook!”
Because why take responsibility when you can just point fingers?
Pirate Sayings About Rum (Because Obviously)
Pirates loved their rum. A lot. Possibly too much. (No judgment.)
21. “Why is the rum always gone? Because I drank it, ye scurvy dog!”
Captain Jack Sparrow energy. 10/10.
22. “I’d trade me last gold doubloon for another barrel o’ rum!”
Would I? No. But would I say it for dramatic effect? Absolutely.
23. “A pirate’s diet consists of three things: rum, more rum, and the occasional biscuit!”
Balanced meal plan right there.
24. “I’d give up rum… but let’s not be makin’ rash decisions!”
The pirate equivalent of “I could quit coffee anytime… I just don’t want to.”
25. “I drink rum responsibly… as in, I be responsible for drinkin’ it all!”
Accountability matters.
How to Use These Funny Pirate Sayings on Talk Like a Pirate Day
So, you’ve got your arsenal of funny pirate sayings—now what? Time to unleash ‘em.
- At Work: Slip pirate phrases into emails. “Arrr, deadlines be approachin’ fast!”
- At a Party: Challenge your friends to a pirate insult battle. First one to break character loses.
- On Social Media: Post something dramatic like, “Me ship be sailin’ into the weekend—bring me rum!”
- With Family: Confuse your mom by answering every question with “Aye” or “Nay.”
Final Thought (Before Ye Walk the Plank)
Look, if you’re not throwing around funny pirate sayings on Talk Like a Pirate Day, then what are ye even doin’? Pirates may have been ruthless, but they sure knew how to have a good time. So grab a mug of rum, practice yer best “Arrr!”, and let’s get talkin’ like true buccaneers.
Now tell me, matey, which of these be yer favorite? Or do ye have a pirate joke of yer own? Drop it in the comments—or be walkin’ the plank!
